I had started blogging on my MySpace account, but I don't feel the pull to blog there too much. But my more recent posts have been about my love life... or lack thereof. I have developed a pattern of getting burned by guys, some just using me for sex, some just wasting my time, and some just in the same boat as me, but winding up hurting me really bad in their healing process, and making me feel abused - even though I still have feelings for them. And the hardest part about it, is that I am trying to get past those feelings so I can try to pursue new relationships, and while I am meeting guys that are really nice, I can't help thinking about other guys I have been with, the good parts, the bad parts, all of it. I am always so afraid of being hurt again, yet I am afraid that what I want will pass me up if I don't chase it down full tilt, but then I am afraid that I will drive it away being too pushy. I just can't seem to win.
My divorce is finally done. The paperwork was signed early this month. He has married the woman he left me for in the first place. I get my children back in three days. I think I have forgiven him, even though I still love him, I will never take him back. I think I have almost forgiven her, if such a thing is possible. I have to be the better person. I am discovering that forgiving people who hurt me is getting easier. I don't tend to hold onto the pain quite as much. Now I am forgiving my last boyfriend for the pain he caused me. He made a huge impact on my life, one that I could never have thought to ask for. It hurt for it to end, but I am better for it. We had serious talk about marraige, not flim flam, real talk. And children. I have two beautiful children, he has none. I wanted so badly to give him at least one. I believed it was part of my destiny. But it is not to be. Him trying to heal from his split from his first wife caused our relationship to fail and too much pain for me to bear. And when it looks like there is no desire to continue even a friendship, it burns even more. To be honest, I don't know if he truly wanted to be friends. I know I did. I know I hoped for the possibility of him healing and pursuing a relationship with me again. I can only wait and see if he decides he wants to make another effort at our friendship. But until then, I am going to focus on what I have in front of me. Work, family, friends at work, possible relationships. Maybe one of my future posts will be that I am engaged. Wouldn't that be nice?
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3 comments:
Jackie,
I am so happy to hear that you are getting your babies back! Babies need to be with their momma's I think. What a good feeling that must be to get to see them again. Will you be staying with family or do you have your own place now? Have the kids ever lived in Chicago? Good luck and keep us posted, I don't get to read these too often, only in down time, which tends to be rare around these parts!
I had my own apartment lease signed three days after I got here, moved in two days later when I had household goods delivered. Arianna has been here twice for visits when she was 8 months with daddy with us, then daddy sent us for a visit a year later on the bus, then both kids came here with me for two months while daddy was deployed the first time. Arianna turned three that summer and JP was a newborn. They have not been here since then. I can't wait, it is almost time to leave!!!
Have a safe trip, be sure to post when you get back!
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